Who Am I? – Fake Tester’s Resume

After the book released last month by the folks at Testing Circus, a lot of people have written to me to ask who I really am. So, this month, I thought I would write my resume in this column. At least, that would help you identify who I am. And if you have a job, do forward my resume to your company.

Name — You know what it is.

Email — [email protected]

Phone — Want to own a smart phone but my pay allows me to only own a Nokia.

Speed — Executes 3 test cases per hour; but has the uncanny capability to prove that it is 32 test cases per hour and not 3 in any argument with the management.

Effectiveness –- Finds 28 bugs per hour; on weekends, it is 12.4 bugs per hour when fuelled on Pizzas and 8 bugs per hour when fuelled with ice-creams.

My USP — Ability to sit in front of any terminal that’s lit and claim that I work on National holidays, religious holidays, festive days, weekends, weeknights, cab strikes, raining days, raining nights, ruling party bandh, all party bandh, etc.

Billing Ability — Ability to find ways to bill the client both when the product is working and when the product is not working.

Testing Expertise — Seen in my ability since I cleared 49 testing certifications including those controversial ones in just 21 days; have a big question bank and can now actually predict “what question would appear in what certification”. And of course, got the cost reimbursed by my employer.

Cribbing & Bitching Ability — Resounding yes; cribs to manager about facilities, to skip manager about manager, to facilities about client, to client about competitor, to peer about the guy who got promoted, to the guy who got promoted about peer, etc. etc. etc. Cribbing and Bitching reaches peak levels AFTER the appraisal season.

Searching Ability — Simply brilliant; give me the test requirement and I can find out 207 Google results for that test scenario in 24 minutes (All those 24 minutes would appear as 2.5 days of billing in the client’s time sheets (or time cheats, as I call it.)

Reporting Ability — How do I name it? Ability to provide reports about working software, non-working software, available software, non-available software, defect reports of non-existing defects, defect reports of prevented defects, etc. etc. etc.

Yes-Boss Ability — 100%; just become my boss and you’d know how many times I’d yes-boss you per hour.

Client Management — Just superb; Special ability to mis-direct the client, to let them think that they are managing me, ability to setup weekly 4 hour project meetings with them and ensure that they don’t know what’s actually happening in the project.

Testing Abilities — I can single-handedly (and double handedly) do project testing, unit testing, report testing, client testing, pure testing, future testing, rapid testing, super testing, multi-variant testing, insanity testing, human testing, robot testing, roboman testing, hubot testing, what-you-think-youknow testing, what-you-think-you-don’t-know testing.

Process Knowledge — Knows CMMi, 6-Sigma, 481- Gamma, L4iTT, i10N, 481TTW testing processes; have special ability to create mayhem in the name of following a process and the project would end before you even know about it. (In case you haven’t heard any of those terms, let me know and I can teach you what you already know at just 200 USD per hour.)

Network Knowledge — Remarkable; ability to have a great network of Human Resource Department people so that they tell me which company pays how much and who has openings available so that I can apply there.

Tools Knowledge — Know about the android app for naukri, timesjobs, getajobsoon, onlineworkfromhome, workonurwaytowork.com, rentacoder.com, etc., etc. Keep revisiting these sites once in 2 years.

Teamwork — Effectively able to create office politics without knowing who created it and create 2-3 different parties within a single team and turn them against each other; gets sole credit when the project is launched. Ability to create a direct network with the clients for him to say why I should be worthy of the client awards.

Additional knowledge – In-built skills for arguing in favor of fixing a bug if I find it and why the bug has low priority if it’s not found by me or found after launch by the client, special bargaining ability with the development and client teams on how long it would take to test a build or a bug fix.

Expected Pay — I’d say that this is as per industry standards, but what it means is that I pretty much care only about the pay and expect to get paid much more than what you think I should get.

Last but not the least, ALL OF THE ABOVE INFORMATION IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE

YOURS FAITHFULLY

Now, I guess you should be realizing that you already know me. Do I sound familiar? Keep reading Testing Circus for more such dozes.

Fake Software TesterA Fake Tester's DiaryFake Tester,Fake Tester's DiaryWho Am I? - Fake Tester’s Resume After the book released last month by the folks at Testing Circus, a lot of people have written to me to ask who I really am. So, this month, I thought I would write my resume in this column. At least, that would...